This activity is very difficult. I had hoped to write a post with encouraging words of great success in my fortitude to change myself in this first week of the new year. I though I’d just do some simple exercises and all of sudden I’d change how I saw myself, how others saw me, and how I’d see the world. Well, it’s not that simple. I’ve noticed since this challenge began that memories deep inside my psyche in regards to my physical stature from the past both recent and distant are coming out with sweat and tears.
Since I have been in NYC for the past 13 years I have used sex as a way of hiding from parts of myself I am insecure about. I use the act of making out or showing off or getting off either alone or with any number of others to feel better about those things in my life that I feel are lacking. Having sex means I am attractive and not just underweight. Having sex means I am desirable and not repulsive. Having sex means I am OK and equal to others and not less then the masses. These negative lies or demons, if you will, come out when I least expect them to and the way I curb them is through cumming. They say to me in their snarling voices that I am a very underweight, insecure, homosexual who will always be less no matter how hard I work at growth, and that working for change is a waste of time. So I just get off to push them away.
I keep telling myself I am fine. Things are the way they are with my body because that is way they are supposed to be. In general I avoid situations where I can be compared to others physical statures. I don’t do gyms and in fact that was a point of contention in one of my last relationships. My ex was always at the fucking gym and always wanted me to go with him to ogle the other boys and experience the locker room, and be part of that culture. It always felt like I was being told that I wasn’t good enough the way I was and had to change it to make him happy.
I bring these ideas up on a post about my progress on these fitness challenges because this is what I am dealing with. While doing push ups the memory of high school gym class comes back. Doing the plank the memory of 3 months of intense muscle training I did back in the mid 90’s to get a part in a show I consequently didn’t get floods back into my head as I struggle to keep form. This game of fitness is much more attached to my mental well being then I realized.
This first week has been awful in that I’ve been sick, have had a ridiculous work schedule of overnights and day shifts, and my will to do the tasks has been dependent on superficial outside acknowledgment from others. I have to do these exercises and want this change for me. This means it’s going to stay ugly for awhile as my mental scares and aversions to physical activity are dealt with in every exercise I do. I have to want to do this to make me a better person for me! It’s not about image, or acceptance, or popularity, but instead about being healthy and happy. That’s the point, it’s being happy. I have a lot shit to dig through spiritually which is being channeled through these exercises. This is a good thing in the long run but sure isn’t fun now.
I can say I haven’t given up . . . and I won’t. I am working hard and need to work harder. This doesn’t mean intensity needs to be used but rather intelligence and intuition. I must remind myself this work is for me and to make me healthy and to make me happy. This is a reminder that has to happen over and over, hourly if necessary, until I believe it and own it.
I have no pics to share this week as I am sick right now and it is not pretty but next week there should be some visuals to go along with the post.
I will commit to this. There will be a set time every day that my work, physically and spiritually, must happen. Like clock work. Not just when I can fit it in but on regimented time every day like brushing my teeth or going to the bathroom. And when it gets hard and painful, and it will continue to be that way for some time, I will reach out for encouragement and support from my friends and my team of undies boys here on the blog.
Have a good week everyone and let’s make next week a better one.
More to cum. -DJBakelite
Lets work out together! I can get guest passes
BIG Hug! I’ve had many clients with similar barriers that you’re encountering. I’m very proud of you for speaking up about what you’re going through – you would not believe how many people have similar experiences, and your voice might give them comfort.
Best of luck with being sick, and keep up the good work!