naughty november dare to bare

This month is theme month and this months theme is dare to bare. its how the blogger see fit to bare. I’m gonna bare my soul, I’ve showed my anatomy seen my undies not much left to really bare there. Me my soul its complicated i refer to my self at times a beautiful mess, or i am who i am. Me coming up on my 35th year in life yeah i know dam I’m getting old at times i feel like i haven’t accomplished anything and other times i feel i am better off then others, i try not to compare myself to others but sometimes i get jealous of stupid things then i go why be like that? i find myself a happy person a sad person a person that sees the best in every one even the ones that have taken advantage of my kindness i still will always wish you best of luck, I’ve let a lot of people tread on me and i have no one to blame but me but thats me. i smile a lot and giggle and snicker and find fun in anything but the smile sometimes is sad but i don’t let it get the best of me much anymore. the last 10 or so years have been a discovery of me things happened i never thought would i.e. child and marriage,  life, death and friendships.  marriage has been a change your now mr and mrs, and “we” do this and we do that I’m still used to just me, call me selfish i wouldn’t change my life at all i wouldn’t give up the experiences or my daughter she’s the one piece of perfect and at times i go wow i made that i made this beautiful human and i put all my baggage and hangs ups to the side just to make sure she has a perfect life, which i do every day i keep my hang ups hidden i keep the part of me that is unhappy hidden to make sure everyone else is ok. marriage hard topic, I was happier when i wasn’t someones property i will say marriage does change the way life functions and the way your gf treats you and now lets every one know you her husband, i love her to death but i still call her my gf more than wife, would i do it again, no i would actually get divorced and still have my life the way it is.  pretty much every day is get up work and life, my life consist of my family i.e. wifey and my daughter, get up school drop off run home change kiss goodbye and off to work till we get out of work again or schedules let us function as a normal family. recently my spouse has taken a new job position and now has the weekends off, and no more night shifts we have worked opposites of each other for the past 10 years cause thats just what worked, i have to say its been a struggle i at times don’t like it, yes i know its selfish, but we all need time to be that well at least i feel we should i have become very accustom to doing things my way and having my time to just do what i wanted, its not like i don’t enjoy being a family always have but i truly enjoyed how it was previous i liked that mid week wednesday was our day and saturday was the other day to just do what we needed and sunday was my day to do what i wanted and so on, its kinda put me in as i told her i need to adjust and ill get better its been a month its been different but i want to at times say can we go back to the way it was? only time will tell if my question will be answered the way i want. my other part of baring my soul is that i have always been a questionable straight man I’m curious and never acted on it, but the feelings are there. a while back i started into a friendship with a person it was before my daughter was born and we started as email buddies and then text and phone calls and then we meet and i spent 3 hours on the beach with him and his room mate and i was in my glory i was happy it was amazing and i couldn’t wait to hang out again and see him, i had finally made a friend someone i could rely on to talky to someone to just be there. a few days went by and then no answer and then the email the email that i say broke my heart,  that he couldn’t see me any more because he liked me to much to ruin what i had going on in my life, i had to respect his feelings but it shout me down to a lot of things, all and all lets just say i took a while for me to hear from him but he came back into my life and i still to this day haven’t seen him but i speak to him often via text and what not but the way we chat is the way we are and it works i still love him no matter what. in the past 6months i have become friends with mr 62 i still don’t know what I’ve done to deserve him as a friend cause I’ve done a few things that i felt would have been enough to cut ties with me,  but i thank my stars for all the people the important people in my life daily. he’s awesome and i don’t think he gives himself enough credit for how much he helps every one i see at times a lot of me in him minus the emotional down falls, I’m a freakin mess at times lol. I’m learning from him to not take so much to heart and just let life be life, he’s a people pleaser wants to see everyone else happy, reminds me of me. i don’t know how to explain it, he’s become a rock a shoulder a reality check at times. we hang out a lot i have fooled around with him we have had a 3some with him and he’s become part of my everyday and in a good way makes me smile feel good about my self, he give me those same feelings wifey gives me. I’ve known for a while that i have a love for him, a love of friendship a love i find hard to explain but i do love him this was a confession that i told him and then should never have, it hurts to have a emotional attachment to someone who doesn’t have that same feeling for you, it hurts at times but I’ve learned to box it up and put in the secret part of me the place i hide all my secrets. do i think he’ll ever love me passed a friendship level no but ill take what i have and keep it forever, like he says to me I’m not going anywere  your stuck with me. ill forever love every person in my life a certain way, no matter what no matter whether its been a good thing or bad thing. my every day is complicated like i said a beautiful mess that keeps a secure smile to greet the world daily. i have a blue heart and i share it daily with my loves and i will till the day i die. recently i have tattooed a new saying on my chest where my heart is its italian dove vado sono libero (where i am free) i found it most fitting since its the one place i am free no matter what, my heart knows no limits so i bared my soul well as much as i want to before i sound a sappy mess lol if there are a lot of typos sorry readers its just once i start to type i just keep going.